He left me with words that linger with me everywhere I go. I cannot do anything without them floating into my conscious thought and it leaves me so confused. But there is nothing I can do for it...I just have to try and take each day as it comes.

I must have looked as if I needed entertaining today...random people just burst into song in my presence all day. The Cleric entertained me no end..as is always his way, but he has been promising me he will busk in milltown centre for some time...it was nice to just sit and enchant people, enjoy a game of OXO and watch the bustle of milltown fly by.

I've been skimming stones with Spark for a little while, the boy will just not get that he cant win..and he cheats!!!...but he lost so ...another few marcs spent being serenaded in milltown..I have to thank him for that it took guts to do....even if he does cheat and enchant the stones with featherweight.

Spyne is a sweetheart, singing and clapping at the LM...I think they all just love to poke fun at me...but they help to keep my mind away from the ravine and away from wallowing in my confusion..

Skimming stones, eating ducks, games of OXO in the street, fighting greens with korunga fruit, being thrown in the ocean, cannon rides, singing, dancing...treasures, the lot of them

Friends..........they just keep me from going crazy, while sending me completely crazy

And yet again one small sentence can confuse everything I thought was real. How am I supposed to interpret that ....I do not know, but everytime I think I am back on my feet and I know where I stand, something comes along to throw me back into chaos

I can't seem to find the want to farm..today felt like an anti climax...I did not even want to be awake for most of it.

Again I have no words...I dont know what to do with my life, nor how to go about doing it...I seem to be stuck ..hung in suspended animation....not able to move forward, not able to move back...just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You think you know what you want, think you have everything worked out, and something else is thrown into the mix...I am destined to spend my days perpetually confused and dazed...never quite grasping at whats there....nothing seems tangible, real....surrounded, and yet...utterly isolated...and lonely. Is that of my own making? Have the barriers hidden me away...How did I think I could go back to it...when I have lived free of them.......I do not know

Maybe I am just worried everything will slip between my fingers....as if everything I am is water cupped within my palms...the longer I hold it...the more I lose

It's done....I have it, I am still stunned, I never thought I would get this far. I never thought I would get past level 28 let alone level 51.

I guess I should thank fate somewhat. At least take a moment to appreciate it...most of the time, it takes every opportunity available to slap me right in the face, but sometimes...when I am least expecting it, when my attention is turned and my guard completely down, and I am not looking for it to be there...fate steps in and does something fitting and wonderful...it rounds everything off nicely. Brings it back together, back to meet almost at a starting point and yet, the flip side. I guess the complete flip side..one was just after the start, the other...just after the end.

Gareth gave me the plat to buy potions, I cannot tell him how much I appreciate that..without them I would never have gained the level, and Tus wiled away the marcs, chatting at me as I blindly hit skeletons and feeders. In my haste I died more times than I should have....but I was so eager I could not contain my exuberance..and everytime he snapped his fingers I was distracted by that stray thought...something I said to the little enchanter.....

It's an accomplishment...just blues to go and I am done. I am proud of myself. Stunned, awed, elated...but proud that I did something..for me...it feels good.


How long can you skirt an issue without ever actually getting anywhere? Pass information back and forth, bandy words..but never actually come to any conclusion. Days? Weeks?...to long, long enough that sometimes you can no longer see the starting point...

Sometimes I wonder if some words were meant merely to torment me further in my stupidity.

Level 50, one more..one more and it's mine. I've not even thought upon what I want...it has not seemed important until now, and I still cannot seem to make it a priority within my mind. I have felt better today than I have in a long while. I had fun, smiled, laughed...genuine laughter..it has been so long since I have experienced that....Time just being foolish, sculpting sand and hitting zombies with pirate ale. It felt....refreshing...like something was slowly clicking into place....I even avoided the ravine for most of the day.

I can feel the mists of confusion lurking sullenly within the back of my conscious even now as I write...but I refuse to be brought down by it today....not when I finally seem to have picked myself up a little. I felt alive and integrated again. Something I have not felt in a while.

I get so caught up in my own stuff I dont realise...I need to make more of an effort to see the things going on around me...I owe it to people to make an effort and I will from now on.

I t was nice to see Amzer laughing and smiling....it felt like such a relief, and I believed, just for a moment....that it would all be okay. I thank him for that, for making me feel that.

That little enchanter is ..direct..in his questions, and he seems persistant. Although to what end I do not know..he just makes me more sure my assumptions are correct. I guess I'll never learn to follow my own advice.

I gave Gareth the amulet...the look on his face was priceless and worth the plat ten times over. I can't seem to find the inclination to train yet again, I have hit a rut. I am hoping..something will drag me out of it soon, and I will at least gain level 50..it's a milestone

I do not know what happened yesterday for him to ...push me in such a manner...but it awoke something that I did not realise was there..no, that I did not realise was there so deeply. He asks something of me that I do not know if I will ever be able to give, and yet, he is so adamant..so sure it is truth, and that it will happen. I worry somewhat...that I cannot fulfill what he sees so clearly, and how much that may hurt us both...and then, I worry that he is right, that everything he says is right, and that burns me just as much..for I am not sure I can cope with that realisation just now...

I do not know how to help them see...they spend so much of their time worrying after the other, so much of their time each telling me how the need the other...and yet, they cannot see the woods for the trees. Neither hears my words when I tell them....Family is a gift, a treasured gift that should be held above all.. Not everyone has it, not everyone experiences a bond thats unconditional...some people, yearn and crave for that all their lives...and to watch them sully it so blindly with their misinterpretations of each other pains me so.....Their lives are richer for sharing what they do, hard times included. They will always be there for each other, and they will always need each other, I just dont know how to make them see that.

I have noticed how people say alot and mean very little....they will say much to get the desired result but...when it comes down to it...they do not carry out much of what is promised in earnest.

I guess thats life...we all make promises, some we keep...some we try to keep..and most we fail at

It astounds me, how little time and feelings mean to some people. They can flit from leaf to leaf..nary a care, never looking back at the destruction they leave in their wake...Tis but an observation. I myself cannot begin to comprehend the things I have shattered. The broken reamins of my swift flight through

The wind has picked up, the sand is scouring my face and yet still I sit in this arid desolate place, but it keeps me from the ravine..

There are so many curious people that I somehow manage to interact with each day...but lately everything seemed so glazed, so dulled...as if I am seeing everything through a thick, slightly imperfect pane of glass. Everything seems that little bit warped, that little bit ..odd...not quite percieved in it's truth

Truth..what is truth? Depending upon each concept it is applied to it is always something different. Lies however, they are always the same. Truth is subjective, lies are only lies....once told they cannot be taken back.

I feel like I lose a little piece of what is me every day that I see...perhaps I am throwing it onto the ravine with the pebbles...I dont know...I..perhaps I should be there

I'm so tired of being confused and lost. My mind is weary, I have pushed it to it's limits and now, I can no longer even think...I just stare into the ravine. It's right there, I can see into it's gaping maw. I could reach out and touch it's depths I am sure..if I could stretch but a little further. I do not know how much of my life I waste, contemplating this place...the place I sit.

My problems seem fickle, trivial, when placed against the needs of all the others I see. All their pain so evident, so plain in their features, in their eyes. What right have I, who have caused so much pain in my life? what right have I to the comfort which they...in their dire hour, are denied?...I do not, I do not dare.

There is a curious young enchanter..I say young but, I have not a clue of his age in reality. For a passing acquaintance, he asks prudent and straightforward questions...I like that in him. It seems like innocence to all this pain...I hope he keeps that. I have always tried to be honest in my answers. He seems puzzled by my logic, or lack of it...but there is not much I can do for it. Done is done, gone is gone

I..they are back in place, firmly in place, and they have bitten into my core this time. They seem so high, or...so deep..perhaps akin to the walls of this chasm ......but I cannot see around them anymore...Im not sure I ever will again..or that I was ever meant to. I am not sure what they are confining...torment getting out, or torment getting in...I guess I shall see in time.

And so I sit, and throw pebbles into the ravine... I do not hear them hit the ground, but then...there is no sound in the abyss...I am hoping, perhaps I may fill it one day...if I sit here, long enough, throwing the stray pebbles of my life into it's darkest reaches...perhaps I will fill it enough to walk to the other side

There is a symbolism in that, a metaphor of sorts...but, my mind is too weary to fret over it anymore

There is a ravine...nestled within the mountains. It is so deep you cannot begin to conceive an end. The vacuity of the place is incomprehensible. The land is barren, devoid of everything. No water, no animals, nothing but the most tenacious of life, and even that withers and turn to dust as I look upon it. The brief flashes of green, so stark against the unrelieved browns of the rock, fade into the background..as if the colour itself bleeds into the lands and is lost. There is no life there, no carrion, no insects, no lone stragglers. There is no sound...not one, nothing reverberates from it's walls...it steals all sound, muting it to nothing...screams are dulled and silenced the moment the emit from your lips. Even the wind itself fears to tread it's treacherous path, not daring to chance itself against the emptiness. To stare into it's depths is to be lost to the blackest abyss..you cannot tear your eyes from it. it draws you in, pulls you down. You stand, teetering on the precipice...you know, one loss of balance and you will fall, your head is spinning wildly, the nausea is rising, the bile stinging the back of your throat and still you cannot step away, you cannot tear your gaze from it's pull. All around it are glistening forms of mountains, like soldiers, guards against it's ever increasing assault upon the land. They stand around it, bear down upon it, confining it within it's place. Halting it's progress and still it feeds on the stray, slowly comsuming more and more....all that enters

You do not know darkenss until you have looked upon your own soul and cried in fury, in disgust...not a shared soul..for the part of the soul that is given to others invariably shines, but..once given it cannot be returned...what is left is blackness, solitary blackness.

I wrote something about this ravine, something similar..perhaps a few weeks...I lost that page of my life, but I never should have.

Hear is my truth, for all to see...this ravine is what I am..tis not self pity but a simple truth.

Amzer. I am sorry to my core, I shall not bother you again my sweet, sweet rogue. I could not give you a heart that was shattered and I am sorry. Now you wallow at the bottom of your own pit. I cannot help, and you no longer wish for me to. Keep your sister close for you will always have her, harsh words or no. Family is a blessing..do not throw away what so many crave...without it is a far harsher reality than a few words carelessly spoken. You..who have lost so much, should know not to throw away the special things you are gifted. I failed you, forgive me.

Tusonee. In hurting you I have torn apart the very basis of my life. When you needed me to be there the most I failed you, I failed us.. and all this pain I see you wade through...it is of my creation. I was wrong, and in that I turned the course of your life...I am sorry Warrior..you shall hold a piece of me until my last breath

Gareth, my soul..I do not know where you end nor where I begin...you stare into the ravine and yet you never leave me, you know the darkest depths of my whole and yet you do not falter..the part of my soul that I gave to you is the only part worth anything at all...when you said those words, jest or no you were right. The words..spoken so softly, tore at me...If you believe I was the cause, then all else is ashes and dust. If I was not here, life would have stayed at contentment for you...above all others I failed you, for I took from you something that was not mine to have. If I thought I could keep you happy without the GGS I would..you deserve the world, and I can only give a broken shattered life, with a broken shattered heart...do not waste yours with me, when you could have so much.


All else is words and dust

There is one final swift and crushing blow. I stand upon the precipice of life..
I stare into it's depths and I am comforted, I am comforted..
I feel blackness envelope me and I am reassured...I am reassured...
I give, but I wish only to give unto the end
I take, but I wish only to take unto the dark
I speak, but I wish only to speak unto the maw
I hope..but I hope for nothing more than the abyss
I touch, but my touch is all dust and decay
I taste, but all I taste are ashes and dirt
I dream, but all I see are nightmares
I breathe, but all I breathe is stale
I cry, but all I cry is salt
I build, but only to destroy
I crawl, but I crawl only unto the edge
I search, but never find my way
I call, but I call only unto the void
I hide.......and the mask seals

These words are mine, they are mine and mine alone...
This mask is mine, it is mine and mine alone
Do not demean it by making it your own
Do not take it and make it your pity for me
I am what I am because of who I am
Not for any other, not caused by any other

Just nod and smile

I made a mistake, I see that now...but now I see it, I can fix it...I see what I did, I just need to put them back, and it wont happen again....if they can't get in, I can't get out...it will be fine...I can live with that, I can find the mask again...tactical retreat

Just nod and smile and 'Im fine', enchant and hunt and nod and smile..polite

Whats done is done, whats gone is gone...theres nothing left anyway

My heart is shattered and useless to anyone...it has been no more than 4?...5 weeks..since I was honest and broke lives? how far does it snowball I wonder?.......It does not seem long at all, not long enough to forget, not long enough to move on, not long enough to grieve nor heal, not long enough to start..I cannot even get up from the floor to my knees before something seems to knock me right back down again. How can I even hope to stand alone?......

I feel torn asunder..every part of me lost in one direction or another....keep them happy Cel, whatever it takes, keep them all happy...I never try hard enough, I can never give quite what is needed...I am always lacking that last piece, the last inch

It will never be enough.

I do not wish for any of this anymore...I just want to exist without causing another pain...all I have and all I ever give is my honesty....my honesty results in everyone...every single person in my life eventually saying the same thing...it has become my mantra...it has become the story of my life, the thing my dreams and hopes are splintered upon....

One by one they realise the truth, one by one they pull away, one by one, until finally...I am only Cel


I cannot pick up pieces I cannot find, no matter how much I wish to...I do not even know if I wish to. To do so would only set me up for more of the same...and how many others? No more...I dont want the pieces...who wants a piece of a shattered life?


Throw them to the winds and let them catch upon the breeze
Float amongst the clouds and settle on the seas
Throw them to the winds and let them catch upon the breeze
Set adrift to roam the skies, never set to seed

It's not worth it
I'm not worth it

And I have done it again...yet again my actions and words have caused people harm

It doesnt matter that he didnt mean it, the words rang with truth and eventually everyone sees it. I made Gareth feel less, I can never forgive myself for that, for making him feel ..taken for granted, even for a moment..sometimes I am so self absorbed in my actions, that I forget the affect I have on others....if I were to give Gareth the time and praise he is due I would have to spend eternity thanking him for all that he has done for me..he listens, and he is impartial even when to do so causes him pain, he is there for me...always, no matter what..he watches my tears fall and comforts me..even when he must be feeling such turmoil inside....I am so grateful for him and I can never begin to explain....I know about feeling used, it's the most degrading thing you can endure...for me to have brought that feeling about for him is something I will forever, until the end of my days, regret....HE is worth it...he is worth more than I can ever give

Amzer..I wish I knew what to do for him, how to help...I feel like I am hounding him, constant questions about how he is, if he needs anything....I feel awkward, I know I am making his situation worse, and I know I am responsible for some of his problems...how he can face me at all stuns me...I just want to take it away, make sure he is well, and at least comfortable...I know I cannot fix things for him...but I dont know how to find the right balance between being there and letting him find his way...I cannot seem to get things right, and I am just hurting him more

In the end everyone realises it...the words rang with truth...they all will eventually

I'm sat in the room, I'm not sure what has happened with Gareth, whether he is joking, or proving a point or..I dont know..maybe he is serious, I just know it's hurting me

His words bit at me, even in jest..if they were...they just hit straight home to my soul..I say it a thousand times over to myself, but it's different when someone says it back, it's someone elses perspective.

And then I question my worth

I put everyone through so much and...there is no prize to be had, no treasure at the end..nothing of value to be gained for the work, no reward or return...it's just one continuous, painful, uphill struggle

It's not worth it

He looks haggard, he says he is well but ...I am not so inclined to believe, I know it will be okay...I just wont give up, if I dont then he cannot

I am so afraid to write here now, I had a conversation with the Cleric that brought it all into perspective...It seems I say it so often, that my life is built around it, but I have to be guarded even here, it's just another thing I am hiding myself from

I'm just so tired now..just tired of everything, all emotions...just utterly drained

AGAIN...I do not listen to myself, I forget these foolish pages hurt people...I look at his words, I am responsible for that..in part..I am so impatient, impulsive....I am such a blind fool

It's from the same entry, how can I be so stupid..there is nowhere left to release without causing another turmoil

ALWAYS guard you words

How can I not have seen it...

Wake up Cel!.......not everything is about how you feel..

Yes I am hurt, that is no reason to allow others to be hurt because of it

I knew there was something wrong, and I can understand if he didnt want to tell me. I just wanted to take it away and make it right.....I was shocked how something so small could hurt me so much...if..when someone asks me for aid, I drop whatever I am doing and I go and do it....for the people I care most for I would do anything, everything. Iwould give my last ounce of strength, and the last breathe to escape my lips if that is what they needed, but everybody is different....he was cold and....it shocked me, to my core...

I feel like a fool for letting any barriers down...I don't want to feel anymore pain, nor cause anymore...I have cried so many tears for so many things...

Dont be open....it just leaves a space for remorse to slip in and live

Why dont I listen to myself

I am starting to think I will never find a blue crystal or a brown for that matter..patience Sam said..it never was one of my virtues, and I seem to find any excuse other than to look for them. The spiders are tediuos beyond comprehension, but the volcano is by far worse.....it's blisteringly hot, just to breathe is a task almost beyond ability. The ash coats every available inch of skin, you cannot see more then 4 paces in any direction..by the time I have made the arduous trek through the twisting labyrinth of passages to where I can spawn blues, I have lost even the slightest spark of will to try....

It would seem fate, coincidence..whatever you wish to call it...conspires to keep me from all I wish for. The irony in some things is more than blatant. I wish I knew how to change myself in order to stop it happening..but I guess thats just life

It confuses me somewhat, the importance people place upon platinum...it doesnt matter to me so much, it's nice to have, and necessary for life...but it's hardly the be all and end all of anything...I would much rather see someone smile, and have everything they need, than have a pocketful of coins. Everybody is different I guess, and we should celebrate it, embrace it...but, people seem so very confused or shocked when I offer them things, or try to aid them....it doesnt occur to them that a smile is all payment needed....it's just stuff, it's not important....If I did not want to give it I wouldnt..I make plat when I have to..I make smiles for the pure pleasure of doing so, when and as I am able....I have caused enough heartbreak and misery in my life..I guess I just want everyone to have a little joy, a little of what they want.....if thats wp's, ingots, platinum then so be it, it doesnt matter....it's just stuff!!...well if I have it they are welcome to it, it's not whats truly important to my life

I guess it repays...while there are things the happen to tear my world apart, there are small things in each day that astound me. Val...WOW...it's alot of plat, more than I have ever had in my little pockets..I dont deserve it, I've no idea why I have it but I am grateful beyond measure..I do miss him, I miss talking to him, he is....interesting and he makes me laugh...it's a shame he does not wake as much anymore..

And yes Val, I promise I will put it to good use

I can't seem to find words to write....I hate these pages sometimes and I crave them in equal measure...I am compelled to write here. Even though this is my space to express my thoughts to myself...it still affects others around me..even my written words hurt people, or confuse them.

Maybe I should just write the series of events in my day..I promised myself I would try not to...I dont intend to be cryptic, I guess it just happens that way

Im sick of not knowing, Im scared of not understanding, Im resigned to more barriers and I'm lost to confusion

I'm trying to hide it now.......I...this is pointless, I cannot find words today..when I do it will flow..but for now I feel ...I dont know, maybe I dont even feel anymore, I just put on my mask and be......try to be..

You know what? It is gonna be alright...yes I love him to my core, yes it's killing me to see him and not touch him, not show him my love.....yes every time he's near me I feel lost, like Im falling, I wonder if I can feel anything but loss and regret. Im torn between crying and laughing, torn between teasing and joking and retreating and running...but, it will be okay. I can still have fun, I can still breathe, Im alive, I can smile. I will be whatever he needs

I have.....miraculously...I have the greatest gift of all, and while I am still able to accomplish it everything will be okay. While I can make even one person smile, a true smile...when I can make one person feel better for even the briefest of moments..then I can smile myself and know I will survive it. It may take a long time, I may hurt, rage, grieve, cry myself to sleep...but in the end...it'll be okay. I'll pick myself up and move on. I forget that sometimes....and I need to remind myself....everytime I make someone smile I heal a little...I see ...a future

I dont know how or what I do to deserve it, or why they stick with me...but I have the most unbelievably patient, understanding, loyal, warm, generous, compassionate friends...Im so grateful that they accept me for who I am, and stick with me even though it's constant drama...I love them, they are my core, they are what keeps me just on the edge of sanity, while making me just crazy enough to cope

Amzer brought me crashing down to earth from my indignant high horse.....I felt ashamed at my anger, at my audacity to even have anger....I took a long look at my behaviour and realised I had no right.....people hurt, they do things because they are hurt, lonely, confused....I am partially the cause of that...it's not frustration I should feel but compassion, empathy...he made me look, and I found it. My shame found it. Where I saw spite, he saw pain...he is a better person than I..a much better person than I...and he helped me see what was clear, but what I had clouded with my own self pity...I thank him for that. Everyday I am humbled as I realise there is something I need to learn from each person I meet, each person I know.....

I will never stop learning, never stop screwing up, making mistakes.....but all I can do is try to be the person I wish to...to keep striving towards it and to have the people I know and love guide me and steer me when I venture from it..I'll never be one of lifes truly good people..My selfishness assures that...but I can try....just try to be the best I can be

Well, I guess some people move on a whole lot quicker than others...I cut myself up for weeks, and will for some time yet...but it doesnt mark others in the same way...thats the differences in life....I need time to be just me. I know I am hurting others while I do it..but I have no choice


Abra made me realise a few things about myself yesterday....it doesnt matter how much I fight it...I can only be me, I can only make the mistakes I make and be the person I am. I cannot be persecuted for other peoples feelings, I'm not in control of them...hiding will never solve anything, running will never solve anything. I just have to carry on, fumble through each day and hope it will be okay.

Abra, thank you

It's a new day, a new time...I've kept only a few things from before..Shorna, I miss her so much, she lightens my life and would have hit me and told me to shape up..thats what I'll do

So I wear her ring, nestled where it will remind me..Dont go nuts again, I left once....Not again no matter how bad things get..

A pair of MK's, from a person I know will always be with me.. even if it's sporadically, and somtimes I dont feel his presence...he's there...so I wear them..perhaps I can regain the person I was

The garnet ring I do not think I will ever part with, I carry it still..foolish of me, but not something I can change...so it sits in my pack, and will for time to come. Moving on is something that happens slowly...perhaps when I am able to place it in the bank

There is only one thing I can be..Cel, just Cel...nothing more and nothing less...it's time I was it.
I screwed up..it's a fact..Im not hiding, Im not wallowing and Im holding my head HIGH..I'll screw up again...it's a fact..I can only be honest with everyone, and let them decide whether they can take a risk on my friendship

I gave my honesty

I am not responsible for others actions..and I will no longer blame myself for such

I'm on the outside and I'm looking in
I can see through you, see your true colours
Inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me
And I can see through you, see to the real you

All the times, that I cried
All thats wasted, its all inside
and I feel all this pain
stomped it down, it's back again
and I lie, here in bed
all alone, I cant mend
But I feel tomorrow will be ok


Boran, I know how you felt...yesterday was a hard day, another lost..and I mourn for you and all the others

The only thing real is the pain

Destruction, betrayal, tears, confusion, loss and sorrow is what's left behind with each step

Everything I know crumbles, taints, leaves, dies, withers, decays. Nothing flourishes

How many for the price of the fallacy...how much - in flesh? in tears? not mine, not even mine

I breathe others cry

Another lost, how much more before I finally pay the toll? Why is it not me?

In my arms? As I watch?

What have I become? What right have I to be me?

One after another, snowballing, escalating....